As I step into the sunshine in what feels like forever I can finally feel the rays on my face again.
I can hear the birds again.
I can feel the wind again.
The world has color back with blue skies and green grass. I feel as if I took off the glasses that had been clouding my life and mind for the past year.
Under the dark cloud of postpartum depression I lost all sense of self.
All motivation.
All joy.
What a lonely and terrifying place to be. Creeping in slowly like a lone rain cloud on a sunny day, I didn’t see it coming and barely noticed it had arrived. I couldn’t tell you when it hit me, but I can certainly tell you when I first felt it lifting.
When I noticed I was singing along to the radio again.
Having dance parties in the kitchen again.
Enjoying walks with my Oslings on a sunny day again.
I remember feeling hopeless. With depression came no motivation or energy.
No motivation to make a change.
No energy to keep up with the house or kids.
No energy to move from the couch most days.
I still have those days, but I have more good days in between; more good moments.
The cycle sucked me in like a tornado. Spinning me around and consuming every ounce of my being until I didn’t know how to escape. Every insecurity beating into me like debris in a storm.
The smallest tasks felt impossible. As the dishes piled up and the laundry mountain grew taller the tasks seemed even more daunting.
Each day that passed without checking a single item off my to do list caused me to spiral more. If I couldn’t even run the laundry how was I good enough?
My family deserved so much better.
My kids deserved better.
My husband deserved better.
The intrusive thoughts grew so loud I couldn’t hear reason anymore; and then, with the help and support of my husband and family I sought treatment.
It wasn’t quick.
It wasn’t easy.
It wasn’t a straight path to emotional well being. But with the support of my loved ones, an understanding and capable therapist, and yes…even medication, I finally have the color back in my life.
Some days aren’t great.
Some days are tough.
Some days I feel myself slipping and sliding and getting sucked right back into that tornado as the rain clouds roll in; but I’m so much better.
I’m stronger.
I’m finding myself.
In my writing and in sharing our stories and struggles openly I’m finding peace, strength and confidence.
So mama, if you feel those rain clouds creeping in, if you feel that tornado spinning and sneaking closer, remember:
You are worthy.
You are strong.
You are loved.
You have irreplaceable value.
Treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend, your sister, your daughter, your niece. Give yourself grace and see your worth.
It will pass., the worst storms always do.
There will be sunshine again.
You will hear the birds singing again.
You will sing along to your favorite songs again.
Get the help you deserve, surround yourself with a village that feeds your soul and always remember….
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
May is maternal mental health month. Check on the Mamas in your life and start conversations about anxiety and depression.
The first step is reaching out to your doctor and having an honest conversation. They can help you to seek appropriate services and support promptly.
If you think you or someone you love is suffering here are some other resources available:
The Postpartum Health Alliance offers information on PPD as well as a warm line and crisis hotline: https://postpartumhealthalliance.org/?fbclid=IwAR2uMvUCL0wSGhUs-IL2K7_ZjNh2VpkkIKJ1Oa9M2H5wAkijc1kinGrYLW8
Postpartum Support International offers text and phone call support as well as help finding local resources and PPD information: https://www.postpartum.net/?fbclid=IwAR31-kwY4I99ufgErrz2qdN5RE-NEla8T-vOIGRD07wnCnEoMRxklM-l1yU
